Lookie Lou

So you’re out with your girlfriend and this screamin’ hot girl walks by. You, Mr. Lookie Lou, naturally scan the cutiepie and then turn back to your girlfriend who’s own eyes have become piercing slits of “Oh, no you din’t!” Caught in the act, huh? Well, I’ll bet you think I’m going to tell you that a Hero doesn’t look in the first place. Wrong. In fact, the girls do it too. The ladies just know how to do it better. (Oh, and if you’ve caught us looking, it’s because we wanted you to.) Here’s some tips on the difference between how the Zero and the Hero do it.

How Zeros Look at Other Women:

The Bobblehead – You look up and see the other woman. You start checking her out. Here’s what we see: You moving your head from top to bottom-or in true Zero fashion-from cha cha’s to gambs.

The Robot – Like the Terminator, you spot your moving target and follow it. Here’s what we see: You turning your head in a slow arc across the room.

Sir Glance-a-lot – While the other two are irrating at best, constantly looking at other women and getting caught or worse, looking at one woman multiple times is a serious offense! Here’s what we see: A jerk who is keeping his options open and is sending the “I’m into you!” message to the other woman (or women).

How Heroes look at Other Women:

Okay, this is what we do. Try it and it might help:

- Glance once and don’t gaze. You may think your glancing now, but trust me, you’re not. Rule of thumb: spend as much time looking at the other woman as you would a street sign when driving.

- No head movement. No squinting.

- Look while your girlfriend is in the bathroom or she’s talking to someone else (make sure her back is turned and she’s in your line of sight)

- Don’t look while you two are talking to each other. Duh.

- If your girlfriend catches you, throw her off by making some critical or odd comment about the other woman (”I think she used to work in our mailroom” or “Her shirt is way too short. Hello, Trixie-trailer-trash!”) Note: Use sparingly, you don’t want her to become suspicious. Finally, and I can’t believe I have to tell some of you guys this, but I’ve seen it happen: Do not, under any circumstances, tell your girlfriend that the woman you were checking out is “hot,” “attractive,” “interesting,” “has great [clothes, eyes, smile, etc.].” She will not be happily agreeing with you, Lookie Lou foo.

The Gifted

So once upon a time I had a boyfriend and we had been living together for about a month. All during that month he talked about how much he wanted a certain dvd player. In the next month it was my birthday, and you can guess the next part. Yup, at my birthday party he presented me with (I didn’t have to unwrap it to know) a large box wrapped in comic book paper. Golly Gee Whiz! Thanks! Believe me though, this story has a happy ending – I have the dvd player and he has a membership to Match.com.

Gifts Zeros Give:

It’s for her, but it’s actually for me gift – Yeah, yeah, it’s soooo practical to get something you both can use, right? Wrong! How practical will it be when she starts crying and it’s not tears of joy? All that gift says is that you are too lazy or cheap to get her something that says you thought about her. How would you like your girlfriend to give you something like…hmm…say, her birth control for your birthday? It’s certainly something you both need and can use. Right? Right?!

Practical, utilitarian, [read: yawn] gifts – If she’s been asking for something that is needed like a dual bag vacuum (ever see that commercial?), don’t get it for her birthday. Do you ever talk about how the car needs to be taken in for an oil change? – same thing, dude, same thing.

Gifts you would give your female buddies, mommy, sis – Not all women are alike. I know that we all have boobs and a woohoo, but that doesn’t mean we like the same things. And, unless they know her well, please don’t enlist the help of your female friend, mom, or sis in picking the gift either because your girlfriend will figure it out.

Gifts Heroes Give:

Fun gifts that she likes – You know that buzzing noise you hear when you’re at the mall, at home, or in the car? That’s your girlfriend talking to you. Listen up and you’ll find out things that she actually wants. And yes, if she likes NickelBack (stop shuddering, okay), get her concert tix for her and her girlfriend.

Gifts that are extravagant – No shovels here – this isn’t a case for gold-digger types. If you really want to get her something special, you’ll hear phrases from her like, “that’s too expensive” or “no, I love it, but not now…” Solemnly agree with her and then secretly buy it for her.

Gifts that you made – With the economy tanking, this may be your only choice (don’t use this as an excuse however, if you’ve got the moolah). Or sometimes, the girl might have everything and you need to find something unique. Some favorite gifts that I’ve received are picnics at places I love (I once had a midnight picnic – awesome), a song sung to me, an arty collage of hearts, all my favorite foods prepared for me including dessert, and well…you get the idea.

From Threesome to Lonesome

Ahh…the allure of wanting a threesome with your girlfriend. It’s a very common, very typical cliche guy fantasy. I mean two hot chicks and you, what more could you want, right?! And it looked so good in the all those b-grade porns you rented when you were 16. Well, lemme tell you, that is not what you are going to get. Whether you tell her you want it or she asks you if you want it and you say “yes” (For the love of God, man! It’s a trap!!), you might as well start making all your future dates with Mr. Righty or Mr. Lefty. Oh, and it’s a good way to start the end to your relationship.

Requests Zeros make:

Mr. Mcfeely: “I’d be open to a threesome.” – Wow, really? That’s great! Nothing says, “I love you and I am committed to you” by telling her you want to put your dick in another woman. Bravo, champ!

Mr. Sandman: “I had a dream that I was doing you and your sister (best friend, mother, etc.).” – Dream on, buddy, dream on, because your dream girl is going become your worst nightmare. Telling her this is a great way to turn a happy sweet woman into a snarling angry fireball. Okay, this doesn’t seem like a request, but it is in a roundabout passive-aggressive way and she’s going to see right through it. What’s worse is that it will strain her relationship with the person you mentioned. Here, let me put it into perspective for you, she says, “Honey, I had a dream last night about f’n you and [insert your best guy friend's name here]. It totally turned me on!” Ouch. See…

Mr. Sure: She asks, “Are you into threesomes? or Would you ever want a threesome? or Have you thought about a threesome?” You answer, “Sure.” Then she gets pissed and flames shoot from her eyes and lava starts pouring from her mouth in the form of the most foul language you’ve ever heard. You stand there in shock with a WTF look on your face. But. But. You don’t understand. She asked the question. You were just being honest. Okay, here’s the deal, it’s not fair.  It’s just not fair being asked that question. So why did she ask it? Here’s why, she’s feeling you out – she wants to know how faithful you are. If you’re having fantasies about other women and you let her know, even if you never do it, she will translate this as: he wants to fuck other women, and he will probably do it someday. Women don’t tolerate cheaters, real or emo.

Requests Heroes Make:

Mr. Rockstar: You really want to rock her world, ask her for a “twosome.” When she says “What’s a twosome?” You say, “Like a threesome, but it’s just you and me, baby. Just you and me.” Corny, yeah, but the ladies love this stuff. And when she says,”You don’t want a threesome?,” You respond, “No way, you are all the woman I could want.” Okay, it doesn’t have to be this cheesy, but you get the idea.

Mr. Liar: She asks you the threesome question and you say, “No, I don’t want that. I only want you.” And keep insisting on that even if she presses you. Normally, I wouldn’t advocate lying in a relationship but certain situations warrant it (i.e., “Does this dress make me look fat?). If all it is for you is a harmless fantasy, then spare her feelings and don’t tell her! Especially, if you want a future with her. However, if you really, really want a threesome, then…stop being in a committed relationship and hang out with swingers! Perhaps you’ll pick up a nice little STD in the process.

I heart you. Ditto. Mmmhmm.

Okay, there are these three little words that seem to scare the bejeezus out of men. You all know what they are and what they mean to your lady who wants to hear them. Now, there are some exceptions to having to respond back to her declaration of love: 1st date…”We’ve got a stage-5 clinger” or after you caught her playing tonsil hockey with your best friend. But if you’ve been with her exclusively for more than a month and you have used the word “girlfriend,” then perhaps it’s time to respond in kind. Whatever you do, don’t respond with the following alternatives. Oh, and if you give her the Zero response – and she still stays with you, she will bring it up again and again and again, even if you’ve redeemed yourself.

Responses to her “I love you,” Zeros Give:

“Oh, I heart you too.”

“Ditto” – This Patrick Swayze  response is sooooo tired

“Mmmhmm”

“[Dead Air]“

“Awwwww”

Responses to her “I love you,” Heroes Give:

I love you too.

There. Pretty simple, right? You didn’t ask her to marry you, you didn’t ask her to have your babies, you simply told her how you felt about her. Oh, and if you don’t feel that way about her…well, let her go! That’s right, stop stringing her along. If she’s awesome enough to be with you for an entire month, and hasn’t run screaming into the hills when she saw your racing stripes on your undies (yeah, sorry, we do notice these things), then tell her how you feel.

First Kiss – Hit or Miss?

Ah, the first kiss. No pressure, except your whole existence as potential boyfriend can be destroyed with one bad kiss. No lie. Yup, I have dumped guys based on the first kiss. Sorry (for you)!

Kisses Zeros Give:

Get a mop. It’s the wet, sloppy kiss – Ewwww. Disgusting. This is never appealing no matter how long she’s been with you. But in particular, not for the first kiss, because all that says is “I wanna get laid so bad!”.

Tonsillectomy – Dear Dr. Dummy, deep tongue on the first kiss is grounds for malpractice. The first kiss is a delicate operation.

Peck on the cheek, forehead or nose – Gosh, thanks Dad! That’s not the impression you want to leave her with. It says, “I’m scared.” Man-up and put one on her smacker.

Kisses Heroes Give:

It’s simple – keep those first kisses soft and dry. If she’s hot for you, let her take the lead as to how intense the kisses will get. But if she’s just not feeling it, don’t take it personally – some research shows that her rejection may be a result of her senses sending her a message of genetic incompatibility.

Flower Power

This is one of the first gifts you give to a girl. Make a lasting impression by getting it right. Even if she’s already received flowers from you, here are some tips to make the next bouquet the best bouquet.

Flowers Zeros Give:

Carnations – We’ve been getting them since high school. We also know that they are one of the cheapest flowers you can buy.

Gas Station Flowers – I don’t care how much trouble you are in, nothing says lazy like gas station flowers. Crinkly plastic wrapped around roses with thorns the size of Texas – no good!

Flowers you want for yourself – Okay, you say you’re getting them for her, but did you ask her what her favorite flowers are? If you’re picking big, garish (read-ugly) flowers with colors that remind you of your favorite NFL team, then you should give them to yourself, stupid.

Flowers Heroes Give:

Her favorite flower – “But I don’t know what it is,” you cry. Ask her. Duh. She will be more than happy to tell you. She’ll also be thrilled you asked. But make sure to follow through and buy her some within a week of asking. Oh, and one anemic flower doesn’t really count. Get her a bunch.

Flowers from the florist – That’s right, dear, pick up the phone and dial a number. Tell them you want a bouquet. They may ask a question or two, such as what type (elegant, fun, feminine, etc.). If you don’t know, that’s cool, most likely the florist will come up with an arrangement that looks great. For bonus points, have it delivered to her work.